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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Tooth Brush

It was around 6:15pm at April 16,2010 when my sister's back tooth started to bleed.
Her eyes started to water as I told her,
"It's part of growing up when your teeth falls out."
"All my teeth?" she said in a high pitched cry.
"Don't worry, don't worry just brush your teeth every night. Plus, its only going to hurt a little bit when you pull them out. Don't worry okay? They will grow up and become big girl's teeth!"
"It's ganna hurt???" she asked while whipping her tears away.
I approached to embrace her realizing this was not the time to joke around. Her eyes sobbed with worry. I smiled at her to give her a reassurance of safety.
"I love you." I whispered as I kissed her soft pink cheeks.
"I love you too."
___________________________________________________________________________________
Midnight

I was holding my sister in my hands. I had a clear view of her agony. Every tear, every scream, and every pain from hers was seen right in front of my eyes. It was only then that I felt such great helplessness. I wanted to stop her from crying, I wanted to heal the pain she felt. My mind was so boggled up that I couldn't keep a steady head. The devasting breaths she took brought me to ruins.
"Where does it hurt?" I asked trying to hide the pain in my voice.
Her body felt so hot. I held her as close as possible trying to understand her body. She wanted something. But what? What did she want? Where was the heart of her pain? What does she want me to do? The best thing I knew was to wipe her body with a damp cloth to seep and cool down her hot body and forehead. I knew that kissing her forehead was the worse idea ever. Since, it was risking my health. I didn't give a care. I wanted her to know that I was there, and that I love her so much.
My mom was running around the kitchen preparing noodles, and read the labels of the medicines. I watched my mom's techniques and knowledge. While watching her, flash backs of when I had fevers came in mind. I remembered how my mom nursed me. She knew everything. Where it hurt. How to make it feel better, and what to do. How did she know? How did she read my pain so easily like a title of a book? As I kept an eye from my beloved sister and my mother. My questions became easily answered.
Its the love of a mother. If so, why do I feel such great anger towards her? How did I come to believe she never cared for anyone else except her self? I always viewed her as a women who is trapped within her past, and the sins her own parents committed towards her. Shes so focused on all the abusive actions. Though shes gifted with gentle and hard working hands, her speech cuts like a blade. The wounds bleed eternally even though it only took seconds to slash the fragile heart. Am I starting to bottle those harsh memories just like Mom?
Waking up from my trance, I fixed my attention back to my sister. 2 hours gone by and the hands of the clock struck 3. I didn't care if I couldn't get any sleep. All I wanted was to stay and hold her close in my arms. I wanted to keep her safe as possible.
After a while, my sister stopped crying and felt more at ease. My mom commanded me to carry her into her room. When we got near the bathroom she said in a crackled voice,
"I want to brush my teeth."
"But your sick right now."
"But you said!"
"Your going to have to stand up if you want to brush your teeth."
She shakes her head in objection with a frown.
"Its okay, you can brush your teeth when you get better okay?" I said, trying to erase her frown.
As I tucked her into sleep, I felt this wanting sensation to stay by, and just watch her sleep. By the time I heard my mom's footsteps I knew what I wanted will not be accepted. Slowly dragging myself to my room, I took my last glance back to my sister's figure.
"Love you..."

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Family Happiness

My mind always tends to drift and reach the far edges of all things when it comes to the thought of happiness. I thought of the way I judge it, the way I view it, and the way I personally feel about it. It took me a long time to realize that for happiness to reach its high potential, not only you needs to be happy, but including the people who you associate with. The most you get out of it, is how much you express and show it.

Aside from personal happiness. I always grew jealous of all the happy families out there. The bond between every family member made me feel so desirous. About 2 months ago, a beautiful Jehovah's Witness family moved here to Cordova. Of all the loving families I met, this family brightly stood out. I saw before my eyes what real happiness was all about. Its the ability to smile even when problems rotten your working hands. Its the will to push it aside and forget about everything in reasonable times.
A caring father, who walks and teaches on the pathway of love. A gentle son, gifted with the most soothing voice. A great mother who expresses happiness so fluently. A shy daughter, who owns a beautiful smile and defines determination.

Their personalities stand out and are clearly noticeable. They hold the very essence and values every family searches for. I believe that they hold the key to family happiness. A family who expresses true love. Its a love they posses that flows with great ease, much like a rose petal floating its way to it's lover. To those who are near the rose petal, love and happiness spreads throughout that person like a fast expanding disease.

Turmoil Hearts

The abandoned outcries of the weak
Were the ones who never seemed to speak
The silent echo from their voice
Were only heard from the people who judge foists
Unjustifiable remarks
Tore down their Hearts
What makes up every speck of dust
Seems like,
Every step loses its lust
Your Footprints mark the histories of land
But,
Only the eyes of those who see your hands in hand
Despise your affection
as their jealousy expands
Do not let yourself be dug by voids
Or it will leave your life shuffling a mortal coil
You’ll become
A lonely person who’s heart is disturbed by turmoils

Apathetic Agony

In the darkest of dawn
There came to be a place where the heart scattered upon
The nearest heart that showed agony
Became the one who expressed apathy
It beats with such great collision
Their head spun with illusions
That became nothing but delusions
Their eyes swollen from bereaved
Which caused their fate to sink beneath
Glazed memorizes underlies the conflicts
Innocent hearts became the convicts
Their eyes focused at the dimmed distance
Wondering if love is anywhere of existence

Troubled Mirror

Fighting tears is one of the hardest thing a person can do. It takes concentration and stubborn disposition. Obstinacy, is what I tried so hard to persistently apply. Though the force of the dropping tears burst out within a couple minutes. I managed to control them in a well timed moment. As my mom spoke to me with her cracked voice, she mentioned the name of my grandma. It was then when all the hated memories came crashing back. I felt as if two suburban trains and my brain came crashing in. At that moment, rivers of tears fell like lightning. The sound of sadness squeaked in my mouth and nose. Knowing my mom was crying too, I began to feel guilt crawling up my feet to my heart. She spoke with an open heart while mine was struggling. It was my fault, this time. 30 minutes went by until she stood up and kissed my cheeks, and said to keep on being the daughter who was so loving, and nice before.

I feel asleep that night hating myself. For I have mistaken my mother for my brother. Thinking, he was the one who opened the door and light only to annoy me. It was only at the end of the lecture that I realized who I mistakenly screamed at. I screamed at a person who was only folding my clothes away.

Like the clean and caring mother she always been. But, I'm filled with so much hateful memories that I began to lose trust and respect. As the years went by my mother has changed so drastically. The happy and cheerful mother I always admired vanished as soon as the dark took over my loving family. We all lived in the same roof. But everyone in it, and everyone who stood below that roof, were separate people who barely spoke to another. Every head had cornered walls that had no way on entering.

There were so many things I wanted to say, and so many things I couldn't say. There were so many chances I had to tell her everything that I have been hiding for so long. I had all the chances in the world to finally say what I had to say. It was there in font of me. Spilling my chances one by one, I laid down in silence with my right arm hiding my eyes. My ears began flooded with tears. As I felt every drop of tears, I wished so badly she didn't notice them. I was afraid to wipe them away, afraid she'd think I was weak. Though I heard her sniff and wipe her own tears, I had no courage to wipe my own. 
She would call my name for my answer. My head was filled with sentences I could say. In the end, all that ever came out was,
"Yes."
"No."
I hated my speech. So demanding, so heart breaking, so stiff that I couldn't accept my own words. I know that will my every action I was breaking her. I was the cause of her tears. I felt her pain. But did she feel mine?

How can I open up to someone who I thought was another lie? How can I open up to someone who I barely even know? How can I open up to someone who I lived with my whole life, yet feel no close attachment? How can I open my heart to someone who hid the truth for so long? How can I be her child who reflects her so well, be stained with so much insecurity? Is it my fault that I've become a fallen daughter? Who am I, to you? Who are you, to me?

Your a person I can only see. Your a person who my love wavers. Your a mother, who I so lovingly wish to know. Your a person, whom I'm afraid of knowing.

The next day,
I only attended half of the day at school.
I fall next to a mirror.
Facing it directly, I began to learn and understand some factors of me.
 I had the eyes of a broken soul.
Cut in two, I have no way to find the bonds that connect myself together.
I feel as if my true self is trapped behind what ever lies on the mirror.
Seeing the person I despise out of the mirror.
Where its reflects shows a tint of who I can be, and can't be.
I feel this slight hatred in my self.
I see her and my eyes.
There's a screaming effect in her and my eyes.
Like a stubborn window, I find it hard to open the glued fake glass framing my eyes.
The fog of the window makes the outside world seem so uneasy.
Trying to clear it up with my hands, just made the vision much worse.
Wanting to smash the mirror, there no courage inside. 
I feel like throwing up. I sicken myself.
An apathetic facial expression is on my face. But yet, I can see a grin on the girl facing me.
I see myself,
as a troubled mirror.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Crawling Under Light

The night knew its limitations.
The sun knew when is the end of patience.
The hourglass is running empty.
Not enough time is too plenty.
Eager to escape its fate.
The dark ignores the principals of how to morally behave.
Light strikes down,
where it takes the rightful crown.
Justice deserves to prosper,
which will get rid of the dark as its light devours.
Standing alone,
the dark begins to multiply its clones.
Seeking to go inside someone.
To destroy the faith of a loved one.
Light defends
as people cry out for its deliverance to send
How selfish the way the wicked saves.
Only to call upon all the dieing slaves.
Say,
Will you help the darkness stay?
As it taunts the light.
Thinking there is nothing to fright.
Pure hearts will not fall in collusion.
Nor will it fall into hasty divisions.

Monday, April 12, 2010

She

There's a person on the other side of this screen. Though I can't see her eyes, I sence sorrow. Her cold hands tremble, aching to hold another. Her minds drifts off, and dreams follow up the imaginary moments. Happiness became only a fantasy, where darkness deceives comfort. Fake smiles are dim lighted every day. Funny how many are fooled with a smile, yet only a few can see the character of sorrow in the eyes. She wonders if anyone can come and save her before she loses everything that's inside her.

Will the day come when everything will fall into place? Her eyes are focused on one person. A wall that she somehow let form, blocks the view of others standing by her. Her eyes are fixed out in the distance; not noticing everyone who already love her. Can you love us for now?

Her hands reach out, and grasp from the fogged up love, and falls into a deep pit where she can't escape. Hands of help were given out through the hole where she fell. Yet, she looks down and doesn't notice the light above. Can you look at the positive things for now? 

Shes scared, I know. Her feet kick at the sand, scratching them. Marks of her journey have scarred her emotionally. Shes a girl who walked off course on an unknown desert. The heat from confusion, distracts her brilliant mind. The aching heart of her is in need of support. The frame of her eyes has grown wary. Can she help her self focus on the right path?

On the sidelines of the desert sits the many people who have ran through the desert for her. They have stepped on the same path way and share the same journey, just for her. They wait for her to notice as they walk along the sidelines. Her head faced down, crying, thinking love is no where to be found. The eyes of others frown, seeing how her heart is patched with sand; clogging her up. Though, she has the power to cleanse her heart.Why can't she open her heart?

Open your heart,
Loved One.
He will come, at the right time.

Can anyone hear me?

-July 29,2008

Two days ago, at Friday was probably the most dramatic time of my life yet. The most painful time I went through. All that time I was on the phone with Tutrinh. I thought about it. I thought about doing it. But, I stopped myself. I thought about the things I dreamed of doing in my future. I thought about my sister's future. How this little girl will react knowing her sister is gone. I can hear Tutrinh screaming and yelling at me to not do it.

I was tired of waiting. I was tired of crying, tired of everything. Thinking about my sister always stops me. Her beauty blinds me. My heart melts every time I give her a hug. Shes the only person I wholeheartedly love. All my life I wanted a sister to look up to; to talk to. Unfortunately, I was born first. Knowing I would be the great impact in her lost life, I had to stay. Now I have to be that sister who I always dreamed of having. I have no sister to look up to. But, now there will always be a younger person than me; looking up towards me. If I go, she will grow up knowing something is missing. She'll become like me, feeling lonely throughout her life. That's why,I just can't strike it through.

Hey...can anyone hear me?

Throwing the phone at the wall, I began punching the hard floor. I hated everything, everyone, every word, every faith, every hope, every heart, every eyes that ever saw me and everything that ever existed. When the darkness of the wall stared me down and cramped me in. I screamed the tears out. Cuddling my knees, I felt the touch of the wall. Delusional, I saw the ceiling crawling down towards me. My body shivered and my vision blurry. I've lost control.

My worst fear is loneliness. Remembering the phone, I pushed the illusions of the walls away from me. As I held the phone in my hand, I clutched it tight. I could hear her. She was asking for me. Yelling my name out. She was calling for me. Me. Me...me. Knowing another person was at the end of the line.

I knew someone could hear me.

The Sea of Adversaries

The deepest sea of where hollow sounds roam around,
is where lies the empty hearts that expand.
Darkness occupies the sun's rays.
Your deepest deception causes an unforgettable strife,
which breaks us.
The heavy load of death
Is what I have been carrying.
You seem resentful
as you look through my eyes.
I have never felt your gratification for my love.
I look for nothing in return.
But, I do beg you for your deliverance.
Though,
now you have become my selfish adversary.
You've suddenly become the means of my end.
I'm amenable to make pacification between us.
I still remember
your footsteps echoed like the pounding heart of a lover.
The surface of your shoe is not comforting,
yet stabbing.
Fallen onto my knees,
I can see now that all these blue skies are just the thin covers of what is black.
I'm washing you out of my head,
like the still heart that refuses to tear apart.
In my favor,
can I ask you one thing?
Do you love me?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Pale Blue Sky

The sky was pale blue,
and the gentle air brushed my face.
The eyes of all who surround me was filled with joy.
My heart pounded, and felt happiness glisten.
Looking at all directions,
I saw true beauty.
The comfort of others felt so warm
like a blanket softly being spread out to my shivering body.
I saw no tears,
I saw no pain,
I felt no sadness.
Thinking that happiness was a fantasy,
I can now prove myself wrong.
With the company of love,
every darkness is shielded by explosive light.
Snow hit and splattered on everyone.
It felt like an epic battle.
Who can bring out the happiness in that person the most?
Feeling safe,
I acted myself.
Feeling free,
I explored the world.
Feeling loved,
I willingly handed out my friendship.
Treasuring the moment,
I had no intentions of rushing.
Everyone shared the same hopes, faith, and belief.
Confessions were stated,
where understanding made the head nod.
Gentle arms
were widely open for a hug.
Unity devoured every individual relationship.
Every second counted.
Every word was heard.
In 4 hours and 30 minutes
the hearts of ours felt close.
A bond which will stay in the soul till the lasting breath gives out.
A happy memories, it will always be.
The creator
who watched behind that pale blue sky,
smiled down at us.
I'll hold on to those moments
and never let go of what was remembered.

Love Turns Around

From every step


I look into your eyes shining light everyday


When I come by


I feel the light that comes towards me


With everything that comes to life


Just to see your smile each day makes me feel alright


Coming back to me of all the memories that we made


seems like a dream coming from all the stars above


Love Turns Around


Nothing can ever replace your love


You made me feel like a star


that shines every night


Just to think of you all day brings a warm feeling to me heart


I will be there even if you try and stop me


Can't you feel?


I'm in love


I'll bring you warmth


If you need someone to hold on to you when your down


I will protect you from this world that brings out a person's sorrow


and pain from all the wickedness


I'll bring out that smile that's hidden


between that sorrow face


I will hold that light to makes you smile


Coming back to me of all the memories


that we made


Love Turns Around


Nothing can ever replace your love


You made me feel like a star


that shines every night


Just to think of you all day brings a warm feeling to my heart


I will be right there even if you try and stop me


Can't you feel?


I'm in love

Dates of Mind.April

-April 8th, 2010
There were times when I really didn't care about anything or anyone. I lived the light and dark the same way. Nothing really brightened my eyes. My view points always had a bitter and sandy touch to it. My vision would always fog out when the sight of people appeared or stepped in too close. I never will get comfortable or use to people coming directly at me. There was a measured distance between anyone who approached me. I can't seem to breathe in any thing. At those moments, air seemed to be selfish, and blew away. I would always hold in and not breathe till they or I took a step back.
There always seemed to be a construction being built on the gateway of my heart. A blockade; I was. There was no one. No one. Who ever had the ability to tear down the built walls. Of all souls, I possessed a trapped heart.
-April 9th, 2010
No matter what color the sky was, it always looked the same to me. Its a color that I believe I have only seen. I cannot describe it as well as I would like to. Every language has a book which holds the limitations of what came out of one's mouth. The dictionary does not contain the words I wish to say.
I know many can see the world is beautiful, but do they understand the meanings of it all? The mysterious depths of the ocean, and the mystical vast lands provides enough food and needs for every one. If only the minds of people were born fair.
-April 11th, 2010
Many minds of the world define perfections based on one's appearance. How perfect their face looks like, how perfect their body is shaped. Was perfection meant to define only what the eye sees? The body is developed and programed with intelligence. Every instrument plays with every part of its whole. The brain contains unlimited knowledge. Your body defines a perfect maintenance. Such a well and extrodinary creation. So tell me, how does a tree live longer than I? The inheritance of sin does not bend the pan of a perfect one.

Mask

Its a mask shes hidden far away in the corner

it will take a wide variety for you to encounter

she laughs and she smiles

as if nothing is burying her alive

like her mind isn't swarming like a hive

if she sinks will you watch and not drive?

you left her in the cold

so your conscience will soon turn to mold

and shes crying cause her heart has formed a fold

do you not wish to feel the warmth of a hold?

she hides her mask, and smiles briefly

it soon fades fast

when you walk up to her

you start to think, will this be the last?

his heart pounds and trembles

he soon feels his world will dim out

and crumble

the thoughts shoot his head

his world ends

and everyone is dead

there comes a tear that splatters on the bed

its the goodbye letter she holds out with marks of black lead

her heart folds a crease

and the two worlds become fierce

Heart and Mind

So here I am, back to where i was

back to my bed

Captured in music, looking blankly ahead.

thinking nothing else, but one person

who broke me without knowing the reason

So here I am, sitting against a wall

wasting my time

even if i am eager to yell out and call out

I cannot

my view of the world and everything else in it

clearly lost my full trust with everything left

being depressed again and letting time go by

call me a fool

but I'm just a little girl who is in search for someone to love

even if they over lap me and are way above

while I keep falling

deeper

and finally collapse

into agony

I always find myself being unsecured

and find myself asking wheres the cure

when will the day come when i can find pity for myself?

my heart and mind have been beaten brutally

I have always become the past of others

no, I want to be the beginning and future of others

where is my soul?

shattered heart

that has been struck with sinful darts

call me weak

but someday I'll show everyone that I can stand up with my own feet

I admit that I have been afraid

that i will not be able to open up my heart and mind again

to show my true self

even if I do have a great desire

but I'm afraid my heart will soon again be in fire

I try to see the positive side on this world

every heart that beats

will soon becomes the ones that will freeze

and devour those who are in search for warmth

but then find the bitter and cold hearted ones

If Your Pretending

I prayed for my death that night

even ask the devil himself

the darts struck in my heart has caused me to sink

no one seemed to understand
if I disappear what will I be leaving behind
will the memories I leave behind for others still stay with them
will I have reasons to be missed

so if your pretending, I want you to know

I don't care cause when I'm done here you wont remember me

I'm weak on the surface but I'm firm inside

and when that day comes

I hope you'll open your heart

and feel guilt and emptiness that you have caused

does it make any difference that one less human exists

when I leave here

will I continue to exist in those lives I have entered

through their memory and heart my existence will continue

so if your pretending, I want you to know

as my remembrance flows through the air

I hope you taste the bitterness your heart holds

I dreamed that night that I disappeared

a lonely face caught my attention

it was your tears and affection

it was your ever so dim light

that has come and saved me

so I fight

but if your pretending, I want you to know

I'll leave behind my ever so fragile love for you

and I'll take your lies and fakes you have made me hold on to

I will forever stay true, for you

for all the reasons of why I'm still here

I'll keep you in my heart

and ignore all the stricken darts

and I know your pretending

but I'll still be defending

those memories and lies you have made me hold on to

your the only one i know that can save me from myself

but I hope

when that day comes

that you'll be able to save yourself

so if your pretending, I want you to know

for you my love, I'll hold your hand forever

guide you throw every step you take

even though you willingly let go of my hand

I'll leave behind my ever so fragile love for you

and I'll take your lies and fakes you have made me hold on to

Wrapped Around

In my darkness and in my death

I’ll make sure you don’t fall in fret

From tears and despair

Don’t make things make u scared
Stay in my heart
I’ll protect you from everything that doesn’t spark

That may your tears fall on me

I’ll take them in and wipe them away for you
Everyone that doesn’t adore you

I’ll protect you and wrapped my arms around

For you are my beloved

I won’t force nor shove, my love

My life was filled in delusional dreams

That only brought me to my darkest days that made me scream

A thrown away child crying black tears

Everything went dark and the ocean waves of dreams were my fears

Pure white mist to me was the shaded blood of my ground where I stand

Nowhere did I feel safe

But it was you that made me land

The dreams of what I was so afraid of never having

That one person would come in my aid

And never cause me to fade

For you now feel pain

I will do everything to repay

You became the every lasting reasons of the air I take in

That may I let the sun cover those black clouds

And let the day bring in the colors of the rainbow that will yell loud
That you are my brightest star and I’m not alone

Every lovely emotion I will now show

Please don’t break me and bring back the pain

And I know you cry

I’m here, my arms are wrapped around you

I’ll cradle you gently and slowly will I dry your wet face

Mark my words from this day that I cover you

My heart and life will forever wrap around you

Just as your love you have shown me

Just leave me be

Don’t worry love, it doesn’t hurt, your hands that wipe my face

Over powers everything that they brought

And in my last breath, I’ll make sure your last tear I see will sink in my heart

I'll take it in

Fire

She burns apart

And you’re the reason why it took part

She lives in fire

And shes become a flat tire

Worn and trashed out

Who was thrown in front of your thrown in the night you can hear her dearly inflamed moan

Her cries are like the blazes of stars that burn the night

The darkness feels that fright

Her stolen heat beats scream out loud

When the day comes for her revenge

Don’t you dare make a sound

Because everyone escaped

No one is around

When you cry and holler

It’s like you thought no one heard her louder

It’s what you deserve

Karma doesn’t take curves

It will head straight and nothing can block its way

even the price your willing to pay

she’ll scream fire and you will melt in distress

for you will now be under fire for the causes of all your aspects

and she will rise above

she’ll find another

who doesn’t betray her love

so don’t even bother

Piercing


From the piercing light that shown

Darkness encounters all alone

Every tear surrounds you just like all cuts and burns that mark you

The words are scarred in your every living moment

When you look at those that caused you to be like this, including all you commitments

You mind flows in memories

that makes you try to cover them and eagerly find a melody

far back behind you, there’s a child in the corner drowning gasping for life

flowers are descending on your path

are you willing g to turn back and let them continue to laugh?

To the life of emotions

To erase all the dilutions

Glass crumbles on your feet

Toxic air is what you breathe

Your eyes drop acid

That sinks in your heart like plastic

And so that piercing light will continue to stab you all through the night

Can you feel her cry?

As she dies in misery and turns black in fight

And that’s when you deny everything that is bright

When the hatred has fully concurred

There will never be an existing cure

The tears of blades shatter your soul

That’s when you’ll cry out and feel the emptiness of a hallow hole

In love and death

Nothing more than there will be nothing less

Than a faithful oath

Of the forbidden love,

Of both of us

Light and Dark

Every mirror shatters in our reflection of destiny


The existence of smiles are replaced by the rainfall of tears


Laughter ceases to be heard and is wittering away


While outcry is surrounding your ears


Who ever thought that a single fruit can destroy humanity's destiny


Dark has become more of a comfort and solution


Light became a thing of fantasy and a thing for imagination


Sunlight shines on your face


Feel the burn?


See your shadow in the moonlight mist?


Taking glances you see others with their head down staring at their own shadow


Will you follow?


Hollow your thoughts of this world


Just let your heart free


The touch of light we can feel


Shadows of the dark we can only see


With light you are seen clearly


While darkness covers your existence


Will you erase everything?


Negative thoughts have become an interference


Do you honestly think it will do you any good?


Even in this system there is still beauty and yet the sense of happiness


Have you lost sight of its existence?


Or have you just lost sight of everything?


Your view is blurry


That is because you are covered in fury

Letting Go

I never understood the real meaning of, “When you love someone you have to let them go.” Back then I thought that was a stupid thing to do. You love them…why would you want to let go of them?? It seemed so foolish to do.

But today, today is that day when I did the most stupidest thing I thought u can ever do. I willingly let go of a person I dearly love. Those words put together to make that sentence…has so much more to offer, and to say. Its amazing how just one sentence you can break it all down.

I found the meanings of it… When you love someone…they are all you think about, all you live for, all the reason in the world that makes up your world, caring for them, spending hours thinking about how you will make them happy, dreaming to be together with them forever, risking your entire life into their hands. When you love someone…they are everything to you, and the last thing you ever want to happen to them is to get hurt continuously, knowing their pain won’t stop sooner or later. By knowing this…if they stay with you…all will they ever feel is mostly pain.

So then you give up your happiness and let them have it. You give up your life, so they can live. You give up your dreams, so they will not be empty. You summon all your thoughts off you, so they can continue to think. You let them go, for their sake, and not yours, for them to be happy.

Sometimes, you have to hurt the person you care for the most. Sometimes you purposly say things for them to go away if they refuse. Sometimes you just have to destroy your self to build them back up. Sometimes, love is not how its suppose to be. Sometimes, you have to make your self the enemy.



The pages

The pages of truth
has landed back to my hold.

A black notebook with white specks sat on the corner of my desk. I looked through the written words and found myself beginning to feel stiff. It was my diary whom I have completely forgotten. I detested that notebook, because the author
was me.

The pages of forgotten memories
has been remembered.

The pain who I tried so hard to forget came striking back. Sitting still, I don't know how I should react. I looked up at the ceiling as my arms fall, and the notebook slides out of my grasp. "Should I burn this diary?"

The pages of my past
has become my future.

Thinking that my future has changed, its really no better than before. All the events, has been playing with me all this time. My life has turned into a tape of recordings. It keeps on rewinding to the moments where I have fallen. Everything has been happening over and over again. This tape who has been treating me like a joke, has become my own diary. The pages who created the tape, and the author who scarred the pages with words.

The pages has found me
once again.

I always believed I controlled my future. I now realize that the past brushes the possible things that could happen. Its like a strip of hair that's brittle and dry, which stands out from the rest. All beauty is ignored and that one strip of hair became the center of attention.

This black and white notebook is my brittle crown. The white spots that are splattered on it are tiny. At least there is brightness on this black covered notebook. I know that theres hope in her.


April 11,2010 - 1:27AM

Inner Shadows

Through the darkest depth of the soul,

and the heart.

The emotions of myself

begin to part.

The windows of my view,

I see nothing but dark.

Yet,

death do us part.

Crushed by the love

as the wind does not bark.

To the deepest colors of the world.

Even every attachment of lines connect

uneven cords.

As your hands begin to fold,

there is nothing more yet you can hold.

The tight grip from your hand has dug deep

through your palm.

You'll remember the heartfelt memories,

so you remain calm.

As your soul begins to burn.

Ash is what you will soon turn.

Right then,

as your tears begin to fall,

as the flames over tower you.

That's when you'll stay firm.

You'll realize and start to learn

that life goes on,

even if that is love that has left you weak.

Through memories,

life will still seek.

And light itself will forever be pure,

and the dark alone, can never cure.
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