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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Purposeless

10/19/10
11:28 AM

I'm losing all my reasons of why to get up every morning. The moment the alarm goes off, my body falls into a deeper sleep. My ears wide-awake, waiting for that devilish voice to haunt me.

I cant to realize that morning while lying in bed as I stared at the ceiling; today will be the same as yesterday. I'd get up and try to block out the shouted words my humming, and go to the bathroom and wash my face. Toothbrush, and hope she doesn't criticize me. I'm drained out.  I can only deal with it for so long. Smiling everyday and being as 'happy' as ever. What will be the outcome of me when the bottle has reached the top?

This is just like the days before, the weeks before, the months before, and the years before.
I'm not as strong as I use to be. Yeah, I've gotten wiser about my decisions, but that's all there is to it. I'm being destroyed everyday, that's what my counselor said.

It's hard to get up every morning when all you have coming ahead of you is just another day of self-evaluation and criticism. A day of when you wish that you never woke up. A day of which your wishes have failed to happen- again. What do I have to give up to be more content from my life?

If there's something that I'm sure about myself, that you be having an exhausted ambition. The only thing that;s keeping me going right now is the arrival of night. Just sleep the day away and kill time. Even that, I can't have. It doesn't help drenching the pillow with tears, because of the never ending situation.

No one could ever tell me how it came to be this way, or what happened. Maybe because I'm tired of listening, or because I'm tired of having another reason to slap me in the face. I'm so sick of the faces I see. I'm so sick of the words I hear daily. The hopes I had that day always get's demolished by someone who could care less. All I need is a wholehearted apology. That's all I'm asking for.

The way I see it, she can barely care less because she's all who she listens to, and I'm just someone who she can chew whenever she finds a deficient reason to. I don't know why I bother write down my feelings towards her. Honestly, I think it's a waste of my effort because these words are only to tame myself on what not to do. I guess it's my way of saying I need help. I know that won't happen if I only write. I know that I need to act for my own sake.

How will I act when I can't even rise up? How can I find motivation when all the reasons are left blank? How can I fill then in when I have nothing to give. What can I gain when I'm left vacant.

Dear Reader,
I'm sorry.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, Shula. I'm sorry to hear that.
    You're a beautiful girl. You deserve so much better than that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm gonna seriously want to kill whoever hurts you. I Don' care if it's Mason or some random person. That's how much i Loves you!!! NO JOKE...

    ReplyDelete

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