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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Monday Torture

It hurts,
so severe that I want to vomit.
It stings,
so relentless that I want to cry.
I'm blinking,
hoping to flicker away the tears. 
My hands clamp down against my ears.
So compressed I can explode.
The sleeves of my shirt are smothered with ash from my burnt heart. 
Understandment is in my nature.
Accepting this sands my throat. 
I'm confused by the truth you speak and the desire I seek. 
It's eating me.
Everytime I bring it up,
it falls into the cruel ends of rejection. 
I just want to talk.
I want to experiance the beauty of communicating with my Love. 
Just like the couples that pass me by everyday. 
I envy everyone. 
Dear God,
Please don't let anyone see me like this. 
I think I'm senseless for crying over something so minor.
Burning with confusion, rejection, and desires. 
The poem written,
entirely dedicated to one,
now lays flat on the floor,
left unrecited.
Love sure is a fierce mistress. 
I feel so heart broken.
So deliberately crushed.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Enchanters and Sorcerers 


My angelic lover,  
I'll forever be your Enchanter.
Your appealing in everything that's graceful. 
The air becomes alluring with your luscious essence. 
Every heart will always be captivated by your charm.
The elegance you display is seducing.
Your voice is addicting. 
You are my life.

Long way off the horizon,
around the axis,
and far from the twilight, 
no matter where I am hurled to; we will be united. 
Despite this crude world,
with us married, 
nothing can divorce us. 

With your smile, the milky way will utter jealousy. 
The wilted flowers of the land, you revive. 
The old and the weak, you make young and strong.
You have me at your feet. 
With a single touch of your fingers, 
I grow weak. 
Be kind, and gracious. 
For I cannot yield on my own. 
My angelic lover, 
You'll eternally be my Sorcerer.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I Am So Sorry

I woke up with karma laid bare at my face. 
You got ahead of me.
Head first, 
carried by a broken heart. 
I
am
so sorry. 
I had all the intentions to confess.
Your footsteps reached the tracks before I got the chance to even tie my shoe. 
I could feel my heart shrivel, along with my arid throat. 
Vulnerable and bare. 
I'm a sinner, with a grin up in the sky. 
Shameless. 
I'm guilty for playing with a deck of hearts. 
I've lost the absorption in you.
I could die by straying off the sidewalk.
Right foot first, left foot out. 
Shameful and ignorant. 
I
am
so sorry. 
You flourish with undeserved kindness. 
Your a burst of everything. 
I loathe your clemency. 
I'm being pelted with contrition. 
I
am
so sorry. 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Clear Cut

I'm falling in love with someone I don't know. 
My Inbox is engrossed with your comments.
Just seeing your name makes the apple of my cheeks blossom in delight. 
That cute smirk you have on your face is drawn all over the walls of my mind. 
I could gaze at you through the entire night unaware that the sun has already reached it's way above the trees. 
I don't know what you truly stand for. 
I know your venomous.
Someone who I should never exaggerate.   
No debates on who is who. 
I'm your clone.
An imposter of the one and only.
The one who ends each sentence. 
Maybe that's why I can break your secret stories. 
Maybe that's why I can see pass the veil that blurs your heart. 
You've explored the abysmal sea full of crude torments from love. 
What you want has always been kidnapped by time and distance. 
I'm left reading our conversation. 
Dissecting your words carefully, 
to find what you left in between. 
Your underhandedly too much for me to describe.
Evidently easy to read. 
Too simple to reach.
Immensely too stiff to shake off. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Education - Reader's Responce

Is education a privilege, duty, or right? 
•Choose one, tell me why you it became your choice, and then explain why you didn't choose the other two.

My Response 

 
Education is something everyone deserves. Sometimes we're forced to be educated on a topic we don't have much interest or desire in. On the other hand, there's those who would want to take advantage of that opportunity when a chance comes to hand.

There are many types of people in the world. However, I personally think there are only two when it comes down to education. The educated, and the uneducated. If all possible, it would be marvelous if there were only one, the educated.
 
At first I was going to wrangle about how education is a privilege. However, I began to lean upon the right to be educated. I realized that in some countries it's customary to enroll your child to school when they reach that certain age. As for the countries that struggle to support the community, sometimes there might not even be a proper school to enroll your children to. 

Although, if there was, the family may suffer from financial issues. Or simple because the school that was built is over the mountains, across the rivers, and through the wilderness. Having a privilege to have education is like being given an infinite supply of diamonds. 

Aside from that, I feel like it's often taken advantage of. To me, having the privilege of having education is moderately like saying your lucky. It appears to be as if it's only granted to a person with special rights or immunities. 

Education is knowledge. Something that everyone in the whole world should have access to. Though we do have the duty to somewhat educated our selves, since it's an expression that portrays that we love and respect our selves. Education is also a tool that can used for survival.

The duty to educated ourselves is a topic I can brag about. Honestly, the reason that it pushed me away was the thought of being forced and pressured by that duty. I do believe that education is worth more than a dream mansion, but because a man can still live and smile without much knowledge, just made me turn my back towards defending it.

All it boils down to is, I think education is a right. Having a right to be educated gives you the opportunity to have a much bigger world, and because of that right, we are given a choice. A choice where difficult situations doesn't matter, because it will be right in front of you, always ready and waiting to be taken. Having the right to be educated also gives you the freedom of choice, whether to accept it or not. It gives you control of what path you want to take on the long journey that creates our life's diary. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

2011

So maybe this year hasn't went at all as I dreamed of. As a little kid, I looked upon this year. 2011. I always believe the number 11 represents me the best. I was born on November on the day of the 11th. The only thing missing of the other 11th after that. On my 16th birthday, the date would be 11/11/11. I always felt unique and special  whenever I thought of this.

I always thought that 2011 would be the year when my life would spark, and become the center of attention. It would be the year when my life would change. If you were to ask me when I was 6 years old if I'll ever be 15 or 16, I'd most likely giggle and say I'll never grow up. I'll stay 6 forever and ever. 

Today, is August 24, 2011. Shula, guess what, your a Sophomore. Remember when you thought you'd never live up to this day? It makes me laugh in disbelieve that I'm now living on the day that seemed so far away through my innocent six year old eyes. 

Remember when you always said you'll never be an adult? Today, all the teachers said you have to become an adult now. Your no longer a child anymore. Remember in elementary school when you were scared of big kids? Whenever you saw the 6th graders at recess, you'd scream and run as fast as you can so they don't eat you. Guess what? Your a big kid now, don't run away from yourself. I won't hurt you.

There are many kinds of people inside us. Every year is a new person inside you. Without notice, they disappear, just like the people who pass you by on the side walk. Today, I realized that I hold a six year old inside me. I hold her dreams, hopes, and crystal tears. 

Sometimes, we become so clouded and our path becomes a sea of fog that we forget to take care of ourselves. There's no use dwelling on the past now, or dreaming of changing the events that weren't fortunate. Just tilt your head up in the sky and let the rain soak the memories as the rain drops make their way into the soil, carrying away with it the dreadful days.

The days of our youth are only fragments compared to the life ahead of us. Fragments so still, and frail, yet pointing to the life that leads us wondering where can it be found. 

Shula, remember when you were 5? You were the family's princess. Mom always said I was the queen, but you always denied simply because the word Princess sounded prettier. 

Things have happened this year that brought me to believe I'm not the princess anymore. It brought me to believe I have no control anymore, like the steering wheel that drove my life was stolen away from my reach.

But now I realize, that wasn't the case. It was because I somehow brought myself to believe I was alone. The steering wheel faded, it wasn't stolen, I hid it  without noticing. I forgot that there's so many people in the world, so many who knew me, and loved me. I just don't remember them, and became blind from the love that I longed for, when it was right at my face trying to get my attention. 

2011 isn't over yet. Summer is now yesterday, Today has become now, and Tomorrow is where I should go. 

Many hearts were broken so far, the death of a beloved grandfather. The forbidden love that was kept a secret, but now unfold and banished, causing the lost of trust towards my cousins. The lies continues, and still await for a day of acceptance. 

The beloved friends I've lost. The grief it caused, while they celebrated, as I cried. The secrets they kept to themselves and their bottles of alcohol broke the trust that bonded us together. The seal that held our friendship contained the promises that would forever link us together, were severely burned as they smoked weed. The disgraceful words that are now imprinted on their mouth, proves that you are no longer my friends.

The greatest lose this year was the separation of my little sister's hand that held mine. Two months went by fast. I knew there was a marked day when we would have to separate, and she'd have to return to her other family. I have never felt such pain in my life. I can still hear her echoing footsteps as she left through the doors of the Police Station. She held her hood, and made her Twinkle Toes shoes tap away that covered her growing feet. She's getting so big now.

I hope time would slow down, give some extra few minutes, and just let her enjoy a care free life a little longer. The life ahead of her won't be an easy one, it's filled with laws, and courts. Something I child should not even experience. 

2011, you've turned my dream into a nightmare. Now that I've regained the steering wheel that only I can steer, I won't let you drive me into the wrong path anymore. Four months to go, and it will be a new year, and the birth of a new me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Tomorrow is the start of new Memories

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new school year.
Starting out as a noob Sophomore.
Being the typical kid who watches others laugh and embrace.
New classes, new face, and a new me.
Same outfits as last year.
Same friends from first grade.
Not knowing where to go,
Just stand in the middle of the crowd pretending I'm not lost.
I can see it all,
Tomorrow will be a scary day.
My heart is sinking.
My legs are frightened to go forward.
I'll clutch on my backpack and hope today will be over soon.
Just like the first day of all years before.
Just remember, 
three more years, 
three more days like this.
I just want to go back home...

Monday, August 22, 2011

Life Changing Experiances

I never thought that I would experiance to grieve over someone who has died in my own family. If my relatives did, I always thought that I wouldn't really mind much. Simply because I don't remember them, and harshly enough, I just didn't care. I thought, "People die every day. So what?"

Those are the words from an inexperience and selfish people. I feel ashamed I even thought that way. I didn't understand, and I should have, because I loose her every Sunday at 4:00. But, maybe that's because I knew she'd be back two weeks later. I knew that life was fragile as glass. But, because of the past, all the horrible memories I had with my relatives when I was 6 and 7, formed a heartless heart towards them. I was bullied there, unloved, and teased. I hated them from the very core of their existence.

I forgot what month it was, maybe February or January, my family got a phone call. I was on the computer, as usual, talking to my cousins who live with us here in Alaska.
Shula, Grandpa's dead.
After hearing that...I just kept on typing. Just kept on talking. I didn't know what to do, or how to react. If there was one relative that I still had respect for, it was my Grandpa. I remember the days when he would pick me up after kindergarten and hold my hand as we crossed the busy streets of Los Angeles. I'd always look up at him and stare at his ages droopy skin around his mouth and eyes.
I remember he carried the bag of clothes my teacher gave to me, because her daughter out grew them, and she kindly passed it down to me. Grandpa carried that bag of used, but well maintained clothes home as he held my small hands.
Another memory was when my oldest brother and I talked about how Grandpa cuts hair very nicely, and stylish (unlike mom). Grandpa was a peaceful person, quite, mild tempered. Everything that Grandma didn't seem to be. She was quite opposite, but that's another story.
Then it hit me.
Your lying, Grandpa's not dead!
It's true...I'm sort of tearing up, and my parents are sort of crying.

I heard that, when people die, the reaction to those who hear the news is denial. It's true, because after I heard it, I didn't believe it..or didn't want to believe it. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to shed some grief, but nothing happened. I stared hating myself after that. Why? Why am I not crying? What's wrong with me? I slept that night with memories of the past that I forcefully locked away. It took years to forget, and it only took a phone call and one sentence to bring everything that I hid away escape back into my memory.

I promised myself that I'll NEVER go back to Los Angeles, or that house. But after a few days or so, I found myself on a plane headed back to the past that ruined my family. I was returning, back to where the people who took advantage of us, who bullied us, and used us. I was six then, young, and filled with anger because of the wrongs they did to me, my mom, and my brothers. Of course I wanted revenge. But I'm 15 now, and I know better than the six year old me. I agreed to go back to settle things. My motives were to seek forgiveness, and maybe, feel the love that lacked so badly in the past.
The moment I saw the stares that lead to The House I began to remember memories that was hidden behind the very ends of my memory.
We use to play here...and I'd always beg for a turn on the scooter.
That's the fence that the neighbor gave us food through.
That's...the corner where I found him crying.

To Be Continued
( This post is getting too long. It looks scary to read )


Thursday, August 18, 2011

I Like Chicken Nuggets

It's ironic how we meet so many people who hurt us, and yet only a few, or maybe just one, touched our hearts. 

Personally, I usually like to twist the mistakes and pain around and just look at the positive things. If you didn't meet that person who caused you such anguish, hated, or possibly heart ache. Then you wouldn't know what those really meant, and you wouldn't have found the answers you were looking. 

Next time around, you'd know what to do. What sort of things you shouldn't enter. How you should react, and maybe this time, you'll have the opportunity to repent for the things you regret.

So once upon a time, I thought I met my prince. Long story short, it turned out to be the devil. I promised myself I wouldn't become blinded by my own desires, or reckless judgement.

Guess what? Yup, met another devil again. And yeah, I kept breaking that promise more than my shoulders can carry.

I trusted the wrong "friends," fell in love with jerks, did my sins, and top of that, I became the person I hated. I even cursed the world for bringing me into it. 
However, it's those mistakes that made is easier to pin point where I should be, and where I belong to. 
So thanks, for the hell you put me through, because of that I found my heaven. Thanks, for excessively slapping me on the face, cause now,  I can hold my head up high. And thank you, for breaking my heart, because finally, I've found those who really deserve my love.

HAHA! -skips around-

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Your amazing

The best camera is your eyes.
The best hard drive and memory card in the world is your brain.
The clearest mic there is, is your mouth.
Your ears are the best recorder that was ever created.
We're absolutely amazing, if you think about it.
On top of that, all I mentioned was the features on your head.
Think about how amazing the rest of you is. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Past Lover and Secret Confessions

Dear reader,
Just wanted to warn you, this is pretty long. Just something I needed to get off my chest, and and something thata been bothering me for like what, -counts- 4 years? 5? Dunno. Anyway, here goes.
If you get bored, its fine =)



I swore to myself, that I'll never do this again. That I won't allow myself to enter a relationship that I couldn't handle. I crossed my heart, and hoped to die if I man were take my heart, but to only keep me waiting, I'd leave him. I wouldn't wait any longer than I already have. I'd erase his complete existance away from my heart. 
He would be delete from every page, every conversation history, every picture, letter, poem, love song. All of it. A few clicks from a mouse pad would be the end of it. The word goodbye just needed to be typed. 

It started off with innocent love, and always ended with a broken heart and a broken person. I always knew it would edventually end this way. I made a choice knowing the same thing will happen again from the past, but a small glimer of hope and doubt shook it off every time the thought appeared. 
As easy as it is to press buttons, unfortuantly God didn't make a delete or back space button built in our bodies. As much as I want to forget, that face of yours is still what I see when my eyes are close. That smile of yours still makes me want to cry. As much as I want to forget, those memories we shared are still in my heart. 
Oddly enough, I miss the times when you'd scole me for my wrongs. You never lectured me about my mistakes. You had a kind and gentle nature. God was your friend, and we both believed in him dearly. You had your faith, and I had mine. The only difference we really had was the pace of our lives. You had a busy life, while I was just a laid back person. Letting life pass me by as I watched from center view. You had studies to finish, a schedule to follow, events to attend to, and exams to pass. 
I was only at 6th grade at the time. Still fresh in mind, and still young at heart. You taught me responsibility, and how to nuture and love my family. You said, that I will be someone great one day. You said that with a strong voice that was over flooding with trust and belief. I was in love with you, and throughout all these years, I remember every spec of detail about you. 
How you acted, how you talked. How you dealt with difficult situations. Your the most educated person I know, and the cleverest. You knew how to treat people the right way, and you knew how to respond to those who acted rubbish. 
Never did I see you angry, and never did you say anything to wound me. You were love, my love. I can write about you over and over and still continue till the day I die. Every sheet of paper would be filled with new qualities of you.
As I write about you right now, and remember the days that we talked, I can't help but want so badly to say...that I miss you. 

I can't help but wonder, how are you? How have you been? Hows your studies? I bet your puppy is really big now. I'm sorry I didn't greet you on your birthday. March 7, of course I still remember. I saw your pictures with your friends and family in facebook. I'm glad your happy.
Yet, those simple things, I can't even say to anymore. I don't deserve to talk to you. I lied to you, I lied. The reasons why I said goodbye, none of it was true...it was an excuse. 
...I'm a jerk. I still regret not telling you the reason why. It wasn't because I was afraid, it was because my heart drifted towards someone else. 
You were the first person I was with, and I believed you were the first and last person I'll ever be with. However, you were the first one to break me, the one who made me cry for weeks on end. 
Who knew, it would end this way. 

The Person Everyone Is Searching For

Is it possible to say I love you to a person you've never met before. In this world, nothing can be impossible anymore. Possibility has taken its light away from the shadows. It's because of the unknown knowledge of that person that enables us to create the whole being of that person. The zero percentage that exists, becomes a complete whole when we open our mind and heart to mold the existences of that person. We become eternally connected with the invisible sense of commonly dreaming of that person. What she or he is like. What things interests them, and the things they dislike. The hidden person beneath their skin, and the beauty that they unknowingly mask. Till when, can the day come when the one we've dreamed, and longed for can finally breathe and exist by our side. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Are we Love?


This feeling,
use to be so luminous,
unbreakable,
so pure,
and incomparable.
So unique,
that it cannot be forgotten.
Deeply engraved,
that it cannot be eradicated.
Such great love,
that the heavens flooded my heart.
The emotions now showed
are apathetic.
The delicate words
have become insincere.
My happiness that shock through the universe
has been isolated.
Your smile was what I pursued.
Now that the doors has been shut,
I can never call you my Love.

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