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Wednesday, August 24, 2011


So maybe this year hasn't went at all as I dreamed of. As a little kid, I looked upon this year. 2011. I always believe the number 11 represents me the best. I was born on November on the day of the 11th. The only thing missing of the other 11th after that. On my 16th birthday, the date would be 11/11/11. I always felt unique and special  whenever I thought of this.

I always thought that 2011 would be the year when my life would spark, and become the center of attention. It would be the year when my life would change. If you were to ask me when I was 6 years old if I'll ever be 15 or 16, I'd most likely giggle and say I'll never grow up. I'll stay 6 forever and ever. 

Today, is August 24, 2011. Shula, guess what, your a Sophomore. Remember when you thought you'd never live up to this day? It makes me laugh in disbelieve that I'm now living on the day that seemed so far away through my innocent six year old eyes. 

Remember when you always said you'll never be an adult? Today, all the teachers said you have to become an adult now. Your no longer a child anymore. Remember in elementary school when you were scared of big kids? Whenever you saw the 6th graders at recess, you'd scream and run as fast as you can so they don't eat you. Guess what? Your a big kid now, don't run away from yourself. I won't hurt you.

There are many kinds of people inside us. Every year is a new person inside you. Without notice, they disappear, just like the people who pass you by on the side walk. Today, I realized that I hold a six year old inside me. I hold her dreams, hopes, and crystal tears. 

Sometimes, we become so clouded and our path becomes a sea of fog that we forget to take care of ourselves. There's no use dwelling on the past now, or dreaming of changing the events that weren't fortunate. Just tilt your head up in the sky and let the rain soak the memories as the rain drops make their way into the soil, carrying away with it the dreadful days.

The days of our youth are only fragments compared to the life ahead of us. Fragments so still, and frail, yet pointing to the life that leads us wondering where can it be found. 

Shula, remember when you were 5? You were the family's princess. Mom always said I was the queen, but you always denied simply because the word Princess sounded prettier. 

Things have happened this year that brought me to believe I'm not the princess anymore. It brought me to believe I have no control anymore, like the steering wheel that drove my life was stolen away from my reach.

But now I realize, that wasn't the case. It was because I somehow brought myself to believe I was alone. The steering wheel faded, it wasn't stolen, I hid it  without noticing. I forgot that there's so many people in the world, so many who knew me, and loved me. I just don't remember them, and became blind from the love that I longed for, when it was right at my face trying to get my attention. 

2011 isn't over yet. Summer is now yesterday, Today has become now, and Tomorrow is where I should go. 

Many hearts were broken so far, the death of a beloved grandfather. The forbidden love that was kept a secret, but now unfold and banished, causing the lost of trust towards my cousins. The lies continues, and still await for a day of acceptance. 

The beloved friends I've lost. The grief it caused, while they celebrated, as I cried. The secrets they kept to themselves and their bottles of alcohol broke the trust that bonded us together. The seal that held our friendship contained the promises that would forever link us together, were severely burned as they smoked weed. The disgraceful words that are now imprinted on their mouth, proves that you are no longer my friends.

The greatest lose this year was the separation of my little sister's hand that held mine. Two months went by fast. I knew there was a marked day when we would have to separate, and she'd have to return to her other family. I have never felt such pain in my life. I can still hear her echoing footsteps as she left through the doors of the Police Station. She held her hood, and made her Twinkle Toes shoes tap away that covered her growing feet. She's getting so big now.

I hope time would slow down, give some extra few minutes, and just let her enjoy a care free life a little longer. The life ahead of her won't be an easy one, it's filled with laws, and courts. Something I child should not even experience. 

2011, you've turned my dream into a nightmare. Now that I've regained the steering wheel that only I can steer, I won't let you drive me into the wrong path anymore. Four months to go, and it will be a new year, and the birth of a new me.

1 comment:

  1. Sadly that's why you should never tell anyone your secrets. I had to learn it the hard way but secrets are secrets, that should only be taken to the grave by the ones involved.


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