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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Past Lover and Secret Confessions

Dear reader,
Just wanted to warn you, this is pretty long. Just something I needed to get off my chest, and and something thata been bothering me for like what, -counts- 4 years? 5? Dunno. Anyway, here goes.
If you get bored, its fine =)

I swore to myself, that I'll never do this again. That I won't allow myself to enter a relationship that I couldn't handle. I crossed my heart, and hoped to die if I man were take my heart, but to only keep me waiting, I'd leave him. I wouldn't wait any longer than I already have. I'd erase his complete existance away from my heart. 
He would be delete from every page, every conversation history, every picture, letter, poem, love song. All of it. A few clicks from a mouse pad would be the end of it. The word goodbye just needed to be typed. 

It started off with innocent love, and always ended with a broken heart and a broken person. I always knew it would edventually end this way. I made a choice knowing the same thing will happen again from the past, but a small glimer of hope and doubt shook it off every time the thought appeared. 
As easy as it is to press buttons, unfortuantly God didn't make a delete or back space button built in our bodies. As much as I want to forget, that face of yours is still what I see when my eyes are close. That smile of yours still makes me want to cry. As much as I want to forget, those memories we shared are still in my heart. 
Oddly enough, I miss the times when you'd scole me for my wrongs. You never lectured me about my mistakes. You had a kind and gentle nature. God was your friend, and we both believed in him dearly. You had your faith, and I had mine. The only difference we really had was the pace of our lives. You had a busy life, while I was just a laid back person. Letting life pass me by as I watched from center view. You had studies to finish, a schedule to follow, events to attend to, and exams to pass. 
I was only at 6th grade at the time. Still fresh in mind, and still young at heart. You taught me responsibility, and how to nuture and love my family. You said, that I will be someone great one day. You said that with a strong voice that was over flooding with trust and belief. I was in love with you, and throughout all these years, I remember every spec of detail about you. 
How you acted, how you talked. How you dealt with difficult situations. Your the most educated person I know, and the cleverest. You knew how to treat people the right way, and you knew how to respond to those who acted rubbish. 
Never did I see you angry, and never did you say anything to wound me. You were love, my love. I can write about you over and over and still continue till the day I die. Every sheet of paper would be filled with new qualities of you.
As I write about you right now, and remember the days that we talked, I can't help but want so badly to say...that I miss you. 

I can't help but wonder, how are you? How have you been? Hows your studies? I bet your puppy is really big now. I'm sorry I didn't greet you on your birthday. March 7, of course I still remember. I saw your pictures with your friends and family in facebook. I'm glad your happy.
Yet, those simple things, I can't even say to anymore. I don't deserve to talk to you. I lied to you, I lied. The reasons why I said goodbye, none of it was was an excuse. 
...I'm a jerk. I still regret not telling you the reason why. It wasn't because I was afraid, it was because my heart drifted towards someone else. 
You were the first person I was with, and I believed you were the first and last person I'll ever be with. However, you were the first one to break me, the one who made me cry for weeks on end. 
Who knew, it would end this way. 

1 comment:

  1. The more I read from people the more I realize how many of us have that one big regret, the one person we can't quite shake. I know I do. After all this time I still think of her almost every day, wish I could take some things back. We wouldn't be together but at least it would have ended differently. Still I think it ended the way it had to and it's taken me a long time to accept that.

    I think I understand how you feel about wanting to forget. Yet just as much of you probably doesn't want to forget, right? I know what it is to wonder what that person's doing now, wonder if they ever think of you. Sometimes I
    want to forget but still there are the good memories I don't want to let go of. Maybe it's just a way of keeping people with us. :)


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